Close Encounters of the Third Kind

An absolute Speilberg classic where man meets mashed potato. Starring that bloke who nearly gets eaten in Jaws, this film is pretty weird. Jaws's dinner works for the power company and has to go out to fix power one night. He returns home with sunburn and a mash mountain fetish.

Meanwhile, a single mum has a wild party and loses her little kid. Little do these nutters realise but they are being watched by little green men in flying saucers. The flying saucers were actually the 80's memory game "Simon".

Meanwhile a French git is learning sign hand signals for the british gas advert tune as are an African tribe in Addis Abbaba.

A load of ships and planes turn up in the desert.

The bloke who is Jaws's preferred dish has a family breakdown. While he is busy building mountains of mash, his wife gets stressed by the kids watching too many cartoons.

It's not long before Jaws's dinner manages to shag the single mother and they break into a secret UFO landing site where the French git learns how to play the british gas advert tune on the piano.

Then some UFOs fly over and stuff and the film ends.

DIE HARD

Wise cracking likeable New York cop Jimmy McClune is on his holidays to meet up with his wife, who moved to Los Angeles because of her job. She invites him to her works Christmas piss-up in a tall building.

Unfortunately, she chose a crap place to work, cos some German terrorists with bad accents and even worse dress sense are in town and they want to gatecrash the party.

Before we know where we are, the Managing Director gets his brains blown out, someone kills the lift attendant and the building receptionist is murdered. And the party is only just getting started!

Wandering into the mix of frivolities with a nuclear arsenal, Hans Growbag and his gang, start shooting up the place, scaring the guests and generally being a nuisance. McClune hears the shots and runs into the corridor, forgetting to put his shoes on.

For the next 2 hours, various innumerable people get killed, as McClune delivers his own rough justice. He virtually destroys the building with his bare hands and the Christmas do is cancelled when they find the Managing Directors head in the party punch bowl.

McClune ends up throwing Alan Rickshaw off the roof and then goes home to sleep with his estranged wife. (McClune's estranged wife, not Alan Rickshaw's)

They made 3 more sequels after this one, and frankly they get better and better! Look out for more reviews! !

SPEED

All aboard for a thrilling joyride to hell!

This 90 minute masterpiece is a genius masterstroke of simplicity, yet it enthralls, entertains and keeps you on the edge of your seat throughout.

Keanu Reeves stars as Jock Traven, a street-wise LA cop who pisses off a 9 fingered nut-case during a routine orgy of explosive violence in a lift shaft.

Jock saves a bunch of accountants from plummeting 1,000 feet to the basement of a high rise office block and in doing so, mightily upsets the perpatrator, an ex-cop with the hump.

So the bad guy resolves to test of Jock's nerves of steel, by planting a bomb on a bus in downtown Los Angeles, and when the bus reaches 50 miles per hour, the bus goes boom! Unlike London buses, where if one reaches 50 miles per hour, there'd be an enquiry.

Jock spends the next hour trying to get the passengers off the bus without killing them, an experience most commuters suffer in the Monday morning rush hour.

But the villain is a twisted evil genius and he's clever too, as he invents a series of cunning ploys to keep Jock and the passengers guessing at where this horror ride will end. A bit like the 281 to Hounslow.

Highlights of this great movie include the bus going through red lights, jumping over a 100 ft gap in the road and being driven into an aeroplane... at one point the driver of the bus shows concern for his passengers, and therefore loses all credibility for me at this point, as this doesn't happen in real life.

Finally, with the heroine of the movie being taken hostage herself, Jock must draw on all his inner strength and resources and ends up chopping the bad guys head off in a train tunnel. What laughs!

They tried to follow this up with Speed 2: Cruise Control, but it turned out to be total bollocks.