The Terminator

Arnie stars in this amazingly timeless movie where there are no eighties influences whatsoever.

Two naked blokes arrive in L.A. to kill all Sarah Connors that they can find. Arnie is winning 3-0 when the other naked bloke gives up and then starts a new game "how many Sarah Connors can I shag". He wins this game 1-0 as Arnie is actually a robot and has no willy. It all ends happily with one of the sarah connors surviving and the two naked blokes being brutally murdered.

LETHAL WEAPON

Two mad LA Cops go around killing people. One is mad, the other is black.


Lethal Weapon 2

Two mad LA Cops go around killing people. One is white, the other isn't.


Weasel Leopard 3

Two mad LA Cops go around killing people. One is ethnic, the other is caucasian.


Aretha Franklin 4

Two mad LA Cops go around killing people. One is an African American gentleman, the other is mentally challenged.

JAWS

A big fish goes around killing people.

The end.

Jaws 2

Two big fish go around killing people.

The end.

Jaws 3D

Three fish go around killing people. In 3-D.

The end.


Jaws 4 The Revenge

Four fish... oh God this is tedious, OK, you get the point. Actually, this has got to be the worst Jaws of them all, where the shark finally gets the hump with all his predecessors getting killed off by members of the same family, and goes around killing people.

The end.

POINT BREAK

Hollywood heart throb Keanu Reeves stars as Johnny U-bend, in this high octane adventure yarn following the exploits of a bank-robbing surfing dude and his all-american high on drugs buddies.

Johnny Nevada is assigned to tracking down a bunch of thrill seeking criminals, who steal money from banks dressed as perverts and occasionally go snorkelling. Several people are killed before Johnny Morris finds his man and pretends he can surf.

Having befriended the gang, Johnny shags the gang leaders wife behind his back in a bid to gain his trust and then lies to her about his background to get into her knickers. The poor girl is then kidnapped and then held then for ransom at knifepoint to lure Johnny Cash to the crime scene.

The gang leader, played by the late great Patrick Swayze, then pulls on the rubber mask of a well known USA President, and jumps out of a plane without a parachute, before blowing someone's head off with a shotgun, and it's up to Johnny Vegas to stop him!

Johnny ends up having a fist fight with Patrick Swayze on a beach in Australia and letting him go so that he can break his neck in a great big tsunami wave heading towards the shore at 500 mph.

A real happy feel good buddy movie.

Finding Nemo

Wizard of Oz meets Jaws. This film is about Nemo getting lost and his Dad, Marlin trying to find him. Whilst Nemo is caught and sold to a dentist with a fish tank, Marlin has an adventure of a lifetime, riding with turtles, joining the local Shark club and nobbing Dory, a blue fish who suffers from short term memory loss.
A Disney classic with a twist at the end where Nemo ends up an exotic starter in an upper class Sydney restaurant, Marlin lives his life long dream of being able to skydive and Dory gets a job as a librarian.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

An absolute Speilberg classic where man meets mashed potato. Starring that bloke who nearly gets eaten in Jaws, this film is pretty weird. Jaws's dinner works for the power company and has to go out to fix power one night. He returns home with sunburn and a mash mountain fetish.

Meanwhile, a single mum has a wild party and loses her little kid. Little do these nutters realise but they are being watched by little green men in flying saucers. The flying saucers were actually the 80's memory game "Simon".

Meanwhile a French git is learning sign hand signals for the british gas advert tune as are an African tribe in Addis Abbaba.

A load of ships and planes turn up in the desert.

The bloke who is Jaws's preferred dish has a family breakdown. While he is busy building mountains of mash, his wife gets stressed by the kids watching too many cartoons.

It's not long before Jaws's dinner manages to shag the single mother and they break into a secret UFO landing site where the French git learns how to play the british gas advert tune on the piano.

Then some UFOs fly over and stuff and the film ends.

DIE HARD

Wise cracking likeable New York cop Jimmy McClune is on his holidays to meet up with his wife, who moved to Los Angeles because of her job. She invites him to her works Christmas piss-up in a tall building.

Unfortunately, she chose a crap place to work, cos some German terrorists with bad accents and even worse dress sense are in town and they want to gatecrash the party.

Before we know where we are, the Managing Director gets his brains blown out, someone kills the lift attendant and the building receptionist is murdered. And the party is only just getting started!

Wandering into the mix of frivolities with a nuclear arsenal, Hans Growbag and his gang, start shooting up the place, scaring the guests and generally being a nuisance. McClune hears the shots and runs into the corridor, forgetting to put his shoes on.

For the next 2 hours, various innumerable people get killed, as McClune delivers his own rough justice. He virtually destroys the building with his bare hands and the Christmas do is cancelled when they find the Managing Directors head in the party punch bowl.

McClune ends up throwing Alan Rickshaw off the roof and then goes home to sleep with his estranged wife. (McClune's estranged wife, not Alan Rickshaw's)

They made 3 more sequels after this one, and frankly they get better and better! Look out for more reviews! !

SPEED

All aboard for a thrilling joyride to hell!

This 90 minute masterpiece is a genius masterstroke of simplicity, yet it enthralls, entertains and keeps you on the edge of your seat throughout.

Keanu Reeves stars as Jock Traven, a street-wise LA cop who pisses off a 9 fingered nut-case during a routine orgy of explosive violence in a lift shaft.

Jock saves a bunch of accountants from plummeting 1,000 feet to the basement of a high rise office block and in doing so, mightily upsets the perpatrator, an ex-cop with the hump.

So the bad guy resolves to test of Jock's nerves of steel, by planting a bomb on a bus in downtown Los Angeles, and when the bus reaches 50 miles per hour, the bus goes boom! Unlike London buses, where if one reaches 50 miles per hour, there'd be an enquiry.

Jock spends the next hour trying to get the passengers off the bus without killing them, an experience most commuters suffer in the Monday morning rush hour.

But the villain is a twisted evil genius and he's clever too, as he invents a series of cunning ploys to keep Jock and the passengers guessing at where this horror ride will end. A bit like the 281 to Hounslow.

Highlights of this great movie include the bus going through red lights, jumping over a 100 ft gap in the road and being driven into an aeroplane... at one point the driver of the bus shows concern for his passengers, and therefore loses all credibility for me at this point, as this doesn't happen in real life.

Finally, with the heroine of the movie being taken hostage herself, Jock must draw on all his inner strength and resources and ends up chopping the bad guys head off in a train tunnel. What laughs!

They tried to follow this up with Speed 2: Cruise Control, but it turned out to be total bollocks.

E.T


Loveable alien meets school nerd in this charming tear-jerking romance from 1984.

Left behind by his pals after a jolly outing to Earth, E.T, a squat munchkin with big bulging eyes and an extendable neck, has to find a way home, having been stranded in a field.

He meets and befriends Elliott, a young lad with a squeaky voice, who hides him in his bedroom cupboard from the authorities before they can do experiments on him and chop him up and stick tubes up his arse. (E.T, not Elliott)

Elliott and his brother and sister feed E.T with dog food and beer, then put him in a dress and take him out trick or treating, and finally leave him dying in a river bed, after which E.T wishes the authorities had taken him.

However, E.T is a scientific genius, and constructs a crude device from Elliott's speak and spell to send a message to the stars asking for his pals to come back from space and rescue him from this shithole.

E.T fools everyone by pretending to be dead, but then he comes to life again and makes a run for it, with the government bad guys in hot pursuit. But Elliott and his school buddies plan to escape using their bikes and ride to safety with the help of some magic from E.T.

Finally, E.T's friends return to pick him up and much to E.T's relief, they sod off back to space.

A touching tale which will have you reaching for the hankies. Or the valium.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK

George Lucas and Steven Speilberg joined forces in 1980 ish to bring us a great action adventure starring Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones in an epic adventure to beat the Nazis to a snake pit in the desert and find Noah and his ark.
After negotiating a booby trapped cave full of big boobies and a giant ball, Indy has to give his golden cough sweet to a french twat called Bolock and run through a jungle after a game of darts to his snake infested escape plane.
He then goes back to university class to eat his well deserved apple when he is summoned by the Feds to go two by two to Noah's Ark.
Indiana travels two by two with his bit of totty Marion (Karen Allen) after killing off her bar and entire village in Nepal. Hot on his tail to Egypt are nasty Nazis and cute pet monkeys.

But there are enemies at every turn and Indy finds that he can't even trust the monkey, who tries to kill him buy poisoning his coffee, and doctoring the brakes on his car.

Indy and his shag travel to Cairo to look at the pyramids and they find the ark. The then find themselves in a town market, and yet again the bad guys are on his back. Bolock also fancies Marion, but Indy is very protective of her and won't let him near her. So Bolock kidnaps Marion and in between killing lots of sword wielding arabs and chopping up Nazi's with propellor blades, Indy sees what he thinks is Marion being blown to bits in a laundry basket accident.

It is now that our intrepid hero decides he has had enough. Indy is in a mood. He goes after Bolock, with the Nazi bad-guys in hot pursuit.. but the Nazis are no match for the bull-whipped teacher of archaeology, who manages single handed to escape from an escape proof pit, kill more that 50 Nazi's in a thrilling car chase and hold his breath for more than 2 days as he stows away on board a nuclear submarine, bound for the island of doom.

On the island of doom, the Nazi's open up the ark to find it full of sand but after a while, ghosts & ghouls begin to materialise and sweep about majestically, killing all the bad guys and cleansing the earth of evil. Indy and Marion go back to America where he gets his scholarship and she finds work in a small shop selling cookies.

A film not to be missed.

STAR WARS

Episode IV - A New Hope(after much persuasion from Algra’s fans)

This is the one that started it all off... ironically no-one knows why the series became such a cult as the actors themselves having read the script thought it was a load of crap.Pursued by a ruthless army of space nazis, the Rebel Alliance have just performed a daring hit and run raid on the Empire's secret weapon - The Breath Star, which can destroy a planet just by looking at it.

Alarming enough you may think, but according to the film's bad guy, Garth Vapour, the ability to destroy a planet is nothing next to death by strangulation without even touching someone, using only the power of the mind.

Princess Leia Orgasmic, the girl with the headphone hairdo, is number one on the emperor’s hit list, but cunningly hides the Breath Star plans in the head of a little droid and ejects them from the ship to keep the plans safe.

On the planet below, Puke Flystalker, a farmboy who yearns for some action in his life, meets the droids which leads him to a chance encounter with a pensioner who claims to be a ninja warrior and together they elope, with the Imperial army in hot pursuit.

They team up with hot-shot pilot, the sauvé and sophisticated Dan Mojo, whose best friend is an ape, and together they go on a daring rescue mission in search of the Princess.
Puke gets his lightsabre out and the pensioner gets his silver ball out and they embark on jedi training exercise number 69.
They land on the Breath Star, lured in by it’s aroma. Puke and Dan kill some storm Troopers and Garth Vapour can smell the pensioners B.O. so he runs off.
Puke, Dan and the ape find Leia and throw her into a rubbish compacting machine. Little did they know that there was an octopus in there with only one testicle. They all jump in and get cozy together with the one testicled octopuss.

Then they shoot more storm troopers and escape the breath star, blowing up some tight fighters on their way.
Puke meets his mate Priggs in some versions of the film but it matters not and priggs gets vapourised by Garth Vapour.
The breath star get’s blown up big style and they all live happily after with new shiny medals until the next two films and the previous three films. Oh yeah and the pensioner cops it and there is a farting robot called Artoo.

We love this film, great voting people.

STAR WARS WINS!

We are pleased to announce the film selected by you the fans of Algra was Star Wars.
The film review is just undergoing it’s final checks before it is released onto the website later tonight.
You will be pleased to hear that the board of directors are meeting tonight in our Monte Carlo head quarters to vote on the next 4 films to be put up for the vote. When you check your screens tomorrow the next vote should be well underway.

CROCODILE DUNDEE

Impressed by a local hero's handling of a big snake, city reporter Sue Charleston is disappointed to find that this was not a euphamism, and is slowly drawn into the loveable Aussie rogue's way of life in the harsh outback.

Mickey J 'Crocodile Dundee, is a legend in his home town of Bushwackersvilleford, Australia. So named because he comes from Scotland, he also wrestles with crocodiles.

Sue learns that the outback can be a hostile environment, when she almost ends up as a tasty treat for a big croc, but hero and modern day Tarzan Dundee saves the day, when he pries the beasts jaws open, climbs inside and pulls her out in one piece.

Sue then decides what a good idea it would be to take him back to her home town of New York, but not before shanking him on a riverbank.

In New York, Mickey meets Sue's boyfriend, a slimy, revolting smarmy creep who, I'm pleased to say, gets a good hard smack around the chops from Dundee when he tries to show off in a restaurant.

This will appeal to all you romantics out there, it's actually a classic 'feel good' type movie which was rather spoilt by two more sequels which were crap. But the essence is still there, boy meets girl, boy saves girl from crocodile, boy gets propositioned in a bar by a transsexual, girl falls in love, boy insults girls' parents, boy gets propositioned by a couple of prostitutes in a seedy part of town, girl invites boy to a party and boy walks over peoples' heads in a crowded train station.

Or is that just my experience?

Go see it, currently at cinema's everywhere (in 1987)

TITANIC

All aboard for an adrenaline fuelled fun trip to New York! This happy story concerns the lives
of some third class citizens as they brave the ocean depths to find lasting love, only to have it snatched from their grasp by fate.

Fate in the shape of a great hulking lump of floating iron with big funnels and lots of expensive furniture.

Jock Dawson, a teenage scruff, played by Leonardo DiCembryo, draws a picture of Kate Winalot, an upper class bit of totty, in the buff only hours after first meeting her. He then steals a priceless item of jewellery and snogs Kate's face off in front of her boyfriend.

Kate and Jock then hide from a sadistic butler in a car in the hold of the ship, and kill some time by working up a hot sweat and steaming up the windows. Unbeknownst to the happy couple, the ship is on a collision course with an ice-berg and their fate is sealed when it crashes headlong into the mid-ocean obstruction.

Inevitably the ship begins to sink and our intrepid couple face a race against time to find the results of the 'who could spit the furthest competition', located in the captains' cabin.

Lots of fear and panic and people running around screaming.. I enjoyed this film very much.

Look out for the extended uncut version in which the ship stays afloat and our heroes are airlifted to safety in a sopwith camel.

TRUE LIES

Arnie hit the screens big style with this secret agent adventure. He starts by dancing with a chinese slapper and downloading an arabic song from iTunes and then blowing up people in the snow. Then he goes home and gives his daughter a touristy present and tells his wife, played by Jamie Lee Curtis, aload of bollox about being at a computer conference.

After beating some more arabs up in the toilet he then finds out that his wife is flirting with that bloke out of Aliens.

Arnie and his mates scare the bloke from Alien spitless and leave him in McDonalds in just his underpants.

Then Arnie secretly gets Jamie Lee Curtis to strip for him before he blows up half of Florida with a military airplane.

This film is based on a true (lie) story.

Debbie Does Dallas

A firm favourite among schoolboys everywhere, I have been awaiting the release of this film on DVD, but my local Tesco refuses to stock it, or even tell me the release date.

With a storyline as simple as it gets, our heroine Deborah goes to Thomas Cock and embarks on a 'big package' holiday to Dallas, Texas, where Kennedy was shot and she has lots of encounters with some naked fellows.

There follows about 2 hours worth of grunting and moaning as she throws herself at anything with a pulse and we get to see some lovely 70's furniture and long point collars which reach the floor. The music score is also a plus, as it is now so rare you only get to hear it in elevators and Indian restaurants.

Gadget fans will love this movie, particularly those with a fondness of the deluxe vibro-matic IV with strimmer attachment and rubber glove, for the more discerning weirdo. (available from the VIAGRAL gift shop $9.99)

A must for hardened cinema-goers.

RAMBO

Another classic! Gym crazed pensioner Sy Standalone gets another chance to flex his muscles as he reprises his role as the loveable psychopathic knife wielding army nut.

This fourth outing sees our hero in retirement, enjoying the tranquil scenery and charms of the popular far east tourist destination of Shang-Kok, whilst blowing the heads off the nearest upstart dictator and slicing the locals in half armed only with a potato peeler.

Some do-gooding kindly christian folk decide to visit a lovely village and spend about seven seconds admiring the picturesque scenery, before the local militia move in and before the christians know it they are kidnapped, forced to wear womens underwear and sold as slaves to make shoes for Primark and even worse, in-flight dinners for British Airways.

Rambo takes a rather dim view of all these goings-on and decides to take matters into his own hands and goes in with a bunch of SAS types who eat bad-boy soldiers for breakfast.

Unfortunately for everyone concerned, the local chief fails to see the funny side after seeing his entire army blown to smithereens by a hitherto unexploded world war II bomb in the middle of his jungle, and he gets in a bloody strop. It's therefore up to Rambo and his new found friends to crash the party, kill the goons and get the girl.

Sadly, although he saves the girl, there is no time for love because of all the pyrotechnics and heads flying all over the place and blood and guts everywhere, so Rambo makes do with swapping phone numbers and promising to stay in touch.

This is a great movie; if you love a bit of mindless wanton destruction, this is most definitely for you. If you don't love a lot of mindless wanton destruction, then this film is most definitely not for you. Personally I loved it, but then I am unbalanced and love a bit of thoughtless gore.

Back To The Future

One of THE films of the eighties, now something of a cult among film enthusiasts around the globe, the Back To The Future series broke box office records in lots of places.

Starring Michael J Fox as Marty, an eighties teenager without acne and a pickup truck, but loadsa plutoneum, this film was bloody brilliant.

Marty, our hero, has a mentally disturbed friend, who he relies upon to give him a decent education in life, Doc Emmett Brown. Marty also has a girlfriend, who he kisses a lot but never gets to shank.

Doc Brown, however, gets his wicked way with the iranian bomb people. He has invented a way of travelling though time with a silver car, manufactured by deLorean.

The secret ingredient, the flux capasturbactor, enables Marty to go visit his Mum and Dad pre consumption. As a result, his own mother falls in love with marty, leading to some unpleasant scenes which were cut from the final film. Yes she did actually shank him and he is is own dad now. What a calamity.

Marty must rectify the damage, which means a retro-active abortion, which could erase him from existence. Can he save himself without shanking any more of his family?

A roller-coaster thrill trilogy which sees Marty visiting his great Grandmother and shanking her, a must-see for all perverts/prefects and Sun readers.

Kid's Auto Race at Venice

This 1914 classic see Charlie Chaplin in his first motion picture role as his famous tramp character. The movie involve three camera angles of Chaplin nearly being run over by cars and being punched, kicked and generally mullered by the race film director. Probably the worst film in existence. Crap music, rubbish acting, no voice, naf quality, shite sound. A must for all film lovers.